Most high profile “Mock Drafts” that get made in recent years are aggravating to read. All of these writers get worried about making a mock draft that is too similar to someone else’s, so they put together ridiculous picks in order to stick out. The crazier, the better, because if you say something that does not make sense, you get to trend on Twitter and get hundreds of thousands of clicks.
Although, that is not the worst part of these drafts: at least then you get to hear about players you have not heard about a hundred hours. No, the worst part of these drafts is how overly dependent they have become on trades. It is completely normal for this drafts to have double digit trades, which is completely unrealistic. Maybe three or four trades on picks that are absolutely expendable is acceptable, but not twenty.
So, after reading the eighth or ninth mock like that this week, I decided to write up my own. Except in mine, we are trading every single draft pick. Yes, I am going to put way too much effort, thought, and explanation in these accounts, and this is meant satirically, so please be civil.
Also if I made a mistake, no I did not.
#1 – Houston Texans – Via Jacksonville Jaguars: Trevor Lawrence
Yeah, this is the Deshaun Watson trade. Watson maybe untradable at this point for multiple reasons, however if someone were take the chance on it, that person is Urban Meyer.
The Texans take Trevor Lawrence and hope that they get enough in this trade to build the future of the team. However, the Texans may need to note that any future first are immediately worth less, because the Jags are going to be pretty good with Watson.
#2 – Pittsburgh Steelers – Via New York Jets: Zach Wilson
Why did the Steelers renew Ben Roethlisberger’s contract? That is not a rhetorical question, I seriously do not have an answer. Like sure, they are not necessarily in position to draft a better replacement, but there is a pretty obvious reason why the Steelers lost in the wild card round, and they just gave him another year at the helm.
The Steelers have to give up the farm now to get in position to draft his replacement, and so they go all in on Zach Wilson. Is he the future? Who knows, but with Ben missing time every year like clockwork, we will probably find out very soon, unless Myles Garrett tries to play whack a mole with his helmet again (just your daily reminder that Myles Garrett attempted murder on football field in 2019 and was not given a single criminal charge and was given Cleveland’s Walter Payton nomination in 2020).
#3 – Minnesota Vikings – Via San Francisco 49ers – Via Miami Dolphins: Justin Fields
How Dalvin Cook has not demanded a trade at this point is beyond me, and how the Vikings have stood behind Kirk Cousins this long is even more perplexing. They need to do something at QB, because for too long it has been the weakest position on the team, and Dalvin Cook needs to do something, because he is too good to be a Viking.
The 49ers also need a quarterback, but they can do that later in this draft. The Vikings come in here and steal Justin Fields off the board and potential have someone willing to make Thielen and Jefferson better.
#4 – Dallas Cowboys – Via Atlanta Falcons: Penei Sewell
This one is so easy that I actually have it on my official Go Run A Route mock draft. The Cowboys really need an NFL ready tackle, while the Falcons should be looking back if the owner of the third overall draft pick takes Justin Fields. The Cowboys can move a third or maybe a second to get the falcons to trade first round picks.
The Cowboys get their NFL ready tackle to protect their now expensive quarterback from further injury.
#5 – Carolina Panthers – Via Cincinnati Bengals: Kyle Pitts
If the Bengals cannot get Sewell, they should trade back (although Burrow may want Chase), and the Panthers should be first bidder to get in position for a high level tight end like Kyle Pitts. Sure, they kind of want a quarterback as well, but they can wait another year, or possibly take a shot at a second round quarterback like Kyle Trask.
Kyle Pitts does help this offense a ton, giving them a great blocker for CMC and second read for Bridgewater. Pretty easy pick, even if it means passing up Ja’Marr Chase.
#6 – Seattle Seahawks – Via Miami Dolphins – Via Philadelphia Eagles: Micah Parsons
This is the Russel Wilson trade. After trading with the 49ers to move down, the Dolphins gave themselves a forever amount of first round draft picks (the Miami GM could sell ice to a penguin for a high price), so they have the picks necessary to relieve Seattle of their crown jewel.
Now, I think now is a great time for the Seahawks to rebuild their defense, and Micah Parsons is a great start. They probably picked up Tua in this trade, and they have more picks to use on linemen.
#7 – New York Giants – Via Detroit Lions: Ja’Marr Chase
The Lions could really use a wide receiver, and in this draft they are in a wonderful position to pick one of the three great options at receiver. But those aren’t the rules of this stupid experiment, so they move back to the 12 spot, although I think they may have a shot from their at a decent receiver.
The Giants need to put some weapons around Daniel Jones, although I do not know how much longer he keeps his starting job. Under prior management, I think the Giants take Trey Lance at 12 and become the butt of the joke again.
#8 – Cincinnati Bengals – Via Carolina Panthers: Jaylen Waddle
See Pick 5
The Bengals will be beating themselves up for missing out on Ja’Marr Chase by one position, but at least they get Waddle, and a second round pick they can use on a tackle like Alex Leatherwood out of Alabama. I still like moving up for the Panthers because they tell Teddy Brigdewater they are doubling down on him and give some much needed offensive help. The Bengals get some offensive weapons for Burrow, and have some options at filling the tackle position.
Also if the Giants go Waddle or Smith in this scenario, the Bengals move backwards and still Ja’Marr Chase.
#9 – Detroit Lions – Via Denver Broncos: Patrick Surtain
Again, the Broncos are in a perfect position right where they are to pick up a corner, but alas, this is a “No fun allowed” zone. The Detroit Lions can probably give up there original second or maybe even just a third to move up to the nine spot and get Patrick Surtain to continue building up that secondary. The Broncos move back a few spots and likely can still get a great corner.
#10 – Atlanta Falcon – Via Dallas Cowboys: Trey Lance
See Pick 4
The Falcons win here, and although I actually think they can move back again and still get Lance, they still get their man. The Cowboys also got a nice little win by moving up and stealing Sewell, so this exchange is just great.
#11 – Denver Broncos – Via Detroit Lions – Via New York Giants: Jaycee Horn
See pick 7 and then pick 9
Win. Big dub even.
The Denver Broncos move back, get an extra third/second, and still secure a fantastic secondary player. They do not get a quarterback, sure, but they do start the future build, and maybe get back in on this draft.
#12 – Seattle Seahawks – Via Philadelphia Eagles – Via Miami Dolphins – Via San Francisco 49ers: Rashawn Slater
See pick 6
The Seahawks get the other Dolphins’ first in exchange for Wilson (along with other firsts in the next few drafts) and add in a second to secure this pick to start working to patch up that line. Sure, they could go after another receiver and give Tua a new weapon, but they just paid Lockett. Slater offers a pretty solid option on the line moving forward that also does not cost much. They should also call up Eric Fisher and see if he wants to come play. Seattle has a pretty good draft and moves forward into their future.
#13 – Baltimore Ravens – Via Los Angeles Chargers: Devonta Smith
Okay so this draft pick is going to be a huge want for many teams left in the draft. The 49ers are currently sitting at 14 and definitely look set to take Mac Jones, so anyone who wants a QB and does not want to deal with the drop off between QB5 and QB6 needs this pick. The Chargers will have their fair option of draft picks, but I think the Ravens have the best offer here. They can offer up Orlando Brown, straight up, for the first round pick, and both teams come up as winner.
The Ravens come out of this deal with a new number one receiver and have a very interesting offense in 2021.
#14 – San Francisco 49ers – Via Minnesota Vikings: Mac Jones
See pick 3
The 49ers franchise seems set on taking Mac Jones, which I think is stupid, but I get paid to write articles about a theoretical world where every draft pick gets traded, so what do I know (I mean, I’m an award winning sports journalist who has spent significant time researching and overanalyzing each of the players in the draft, so maybe I know something). They maybe able to trade back and still get Jones, but New England is currently at 15 so maybe not. Who knows.
#15 – Las Vegas Raiders – Via New England Patriots: Alijah Vera-Tucker
Name a more iconic duo then the Patriots and trading back in the first round.
Raiders need literally every offensive line position, so it makes sense for them to trade up here and snag the best center in the draft after letting Rodney Hudson go. Sadly you can not draft an entire offensive line in the first round, but Vera-Tucker is a great starting point.
#16 – Tennessee Titans – Via Arizona Cardinals: Trevon Moehrig
Yet again, another team in a perfect position to draft a position of need, but NOOO… Mel Kiper’s mock draft had like 15 trades and irritated me and I had to respond sarcastically, because how else do people my age emotionally deal with things. And of course, I put the most effort into jokes and bits, so I took 11 hours out of my Friday afternoon/Early Saturday Morning to write a mock draft with more effort and probably more logic then Kiper’s most recent draft while other people my age watch “Godzilla Vs. Kong” with their friends and loved ones, or go get one of those miracle pokes that might let them go to a concert or ball game soon because we are nearly a quarter of a century old and we are not getting any younger…
Existential crisis aside, the Titans can jump the Football Team and Patriots and grab Trevon Moehrig to fill a need. It pushes the Cardinals back a little out of Farley range, but maybe they can see if he is available in a few spots.
#17 – Kansas City Chiefs – Via New England Patriots – Via Las Vegas Raiders: Kadarius Toney
See pick 15
The Patriots trade back again, and with the Chiefs offering up a swap of first and Mecole Hardman or Demarcus Robinson. Kind of stepping in here and stealing Toney from the Eagles, the Chiefs add another crazy good offensive weapon to Mahomes tool kit.
#18 – Philadelphia Eagles – Via Seattle Seahawks – Miami Dolphins: Caleb Farley
See pick 12 and 6
The Eagles will feel a little upset here after missing out on Kadarius after missing out on Devonta Smith, so they may finally call it a night at this point. They need some help in the secondary, Farley is a great player to fill the spot. Eagles lose in this draft, but hey, for the record, they also lost free agency.
#19 – New York Jets – Via Washington Football Team: Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah
What do you give a former defensive coordinator who just took his first head coaching position? If you answered a defense full of young, talented players with tons of potential, you would be right. Sure the Jets missed out on a quarterback, but they look around for a free agent or run with Darnold for another year and see what’s available next year. For clarity, the Jets are exchanging the 23rd pick here, not the 24th, although it does not matter.
#20 – Houston Texans – Via Chicago Bears: Kwity Paye
Houston Texans fill the hole that JJ Watt leaves in the offseason. Probably most unrealistic take of this article is the Texans organization making a smart decision. Bears move back because they need offensive weapons, which should be available in their landing spot.
#21 – Cleveland Browns – Via Indianapolis Colts: Greg Newsome
The Colts should draft Newsome, but alas, trades…
The Browns move up to steal Newsome from some corner needy teams like the Cardinals, who are currently 22nd. The Colts jump back into the offensive tackle area of the draft, although they could have also snagged one here. But with the current way this draft is playing out, they maybe able to still get a decent offensive tackle.
#22 – Kansas City Chiefs – Via Arizona Cardinals – Via Tennessee Titans: Christian Darrisaw
See pick 16
The Chiefs need a high level tackle, and they could have taken one earlier in the draft when they traded up, they definitely have an opportunity to trade some draft capital from next year to secure one here before they start flying off the shelves. The Chiefs could try to get Leatherwood in the mid second round, but Darrisaw is more proven.
Cardinals get out of a first round that has not been kind to them and have a second first round pick next year.
#23 – Buffalo Bills – Via Washington Football Team – Via New York Jets – Via Seattle Seahawks: Terrance Marshall Jr.
See pick 19
Those offensive weapons are about to start flying off the shelves thanks to the Bears, Jets, and Colts coming up back to back, so the Bills, who desperately need a second weapon at wide out have to step in here. Terrance Marshall Jr. is a large receiver who offers a huge target for Josh Allen, without being too similar to Stefon Diggs.
Football Team moves back again, content to wait for the offensive tackle race to start before buying.
#24 – New York Jets – Via Pittsburgh Steelers: Gregory Rousseau
See pick 2
So most people will have the Jets going running back here, with both Najee Harris and Travis Etienne available, but I am banking on Saleh building up another defense in New York. An edge player to go with their steal at linebacker earlier gives the Jets a great base to start working with. They can make some moves at running back if necessary in the late rounds, or could shop the roster cuts after training camp.
#25 – Chicago Bears – Via Houston Texans – Via Jacksonville Jaguars – Via Los Angeles Rams: Tevin Jenkins
See pick 20
The offensive weapons available at this point in the draft are not nearly as important as putting together the offensive line so that Andy Dalton and new running back Damien Williams are protected. Although, they have a few extra picks that they maybe able to move and get back into the first round.
#26 – Indianapolis Colts – Via Cleveland Browns: Elijah Moore
See pick 21
Apparently the Colts saw what Carson Wentz did last year and thought to themselves, “Yeah, I gotta get that over here”
If they really are hitching their wagon to Wentz, they need to get him some weapons. Elijah Moore is a speedster with great hands who may give a little ‘oomph’ that the Colts’ offense has been missing. Maybe you can get out of the wildcard round next year Colts, although… Wentz…
#27 – Buffalo Bills – Via Baltimore Ravens: Najee Harris
Ravens retained this spot smartly, and in a non trade only draft, the Ravens can get a replacement for Orlando Brown or an edge rusher. The Bills want to move up here and secure a running back that their offense so desperately needs.
#28 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Via New Orleans Saints: Travis Etienne
The Bucs probably do not need a weapon at running back this much, but if they want to continue to break football, it is a great investment. New Orleans has no reason to be here anymore, now that the receivers are off the board.
#29 – New England Patriots – Via Green Bay Packers: Kyle Trask
This is my biggest reach of the draft, but if anyone can make Trask into a star, it is the hoodie.
#30 – Houston Texans – Via Baltimore Raven – Via Buffalo Bills: Jaelan Phillips
See pick 27
The Texans come in from the second round here to steal Phillips off the shelf to keep building up their defensive line. Maybe Texans are doing something smart here.. unlikely but sure.
#31 – Green Bay Packers – Via New England Patriots – Via Kansas City Chiefs: Joe Tryon
See pick 22
Packers miss out on getting Rodgers offensive help again, and probably for the last time,. This probably enflames Rodgers to officially request his trade and find a new home. He should call the Jets.
#32 – New Orleans Saints – Via Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Rashod Bateman
See pick 28
Get the offensive weapon they need, although they have much bigger issues to address.
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